There’s been so much talk around here lately about open relationships and polyamory that it feels like November must be non-monogamy awareness month. (And indeed, my class “Opening Up Without Screwing Up” starts this Thursday – and if you’re AT ALL interested in polyamory, non-monogamy and the like, you should totally sign up for it).
But I’m well aware that open relationships aren’t for everyone, nor do I think they should be.
I thought you were talking about FOOTBALL, not soccer...
I’ve never been a big fan of “One True Way-ness” of any kind. I just think that the range of human experience is far too vast for there to be a path that works for all of us, whether that’s about sex, relationships, spirituality, or what football team is the best.
But what I have learned is that a certain kind of flexibility that is often found in successful open relationships, is also found in successful relationships of all kinds.
You could call these “mature” relationships — ones in which both people recognizes that each of you is separate person all on your own, with independent needs, desires, requirements, wishes and visions for your own lives. All while still being able to come together and forge a path together that’s in alignment with what you both want most.
Merging these differences can be tricky. Some folks bend over backward to accommodate their partners, allowing them space to do and be who they are, but not claiming the same space for themselves. Others demand autonomy and freedom, without recognizing the commonality of vision, desires and needs where it exists (and thus limiting connection, intimacy and partnership). And still others crowd their partners, not seeing that one person’s desire being different than the other’s is not necessarily a commentary on the validity of your needs, or on your sexiness and desirability. (And vice versa. After all, we’re all sexy around here.)
In other words, wanting different things is a natural part of relationships. Navigating that is the relating part of relationships.
It would be a lot simpler if there was just a book or a recording out there that you could follow 1, 2, 3 and have it all just magically work out. But you are unlike anyone else out there. And so is your relationship: no matter what labels might apply to it.
It does take time. It does take “processing.” It does require that you look into yourself to see what has changed, and to be willing to allow your partner to change as well. It requires curiosity, honesty, and communication. But on the other side, you have a relationship that is like no other… because it’s yours.
What challenges have you run into when you and your partner want different things? How have you addressed these challenges?
