practical tools for extraordinary relationships

On the last page of Susie Bright’s fantastic book Full Exposure, there is a list that has stuck with me since the first time I read it 10 years ago. It goes like this:

“Assume Everyone Is Sexual”
To ever imagine otherwise is one of the most profound and ignorant forms of discrimination.

Your momma is sexual,
Your great-grandma who you never knew,
Her husband too –
Your precious baby, and every other precious baby,
That twisted up guy in a wheelchair,
The thirteen-year-old with thick glasses and orthopedic shoes,
The incredibly homely person that you crossed the street to get away from,
weird anorexic supermodels too –
Anyone you don’t desire,
and anyone you’ve ever put on a pedestal.
EVERYONE.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how our culture seems to tell us at every turn that sex is only for the young and the pretty, and the toll that takes on the rest of us. (Or really, all of us.)

Being sexual is confused with being sexually desirable, which is confused with being lovable. But none of these are the same thing.

You have a sexuality regardless of who you are, what you look like and whether someone else likes it.

Your sexuality is worth recognizing and loving.

One of the easiest ways I’ve found to love my own sexuality is to recognize that everyone is sexual. By taking the attention off myself, and learning to consider (and maybe even love) the otherwise invisible sexuality of everyone else around me, it becomes just a weird quirk that we humans all have.

Something I get to have.

Something YOU get to have.

All of us.

So today, assume everyone is sexual. And let me know in the comments what happens.

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Right now, as you’re reading this, I’m in the middle of the desert.

Given that I wrote this in advance, there’s no telling what I’m actually doing at this very moment. I may be having a cocktail while building things of LEGO. I might be climbing a 5-story-high ladder to the sky. I could be dressed up as a clown, dancing to “Elephants On Parade” from the movie Dumbo, while people around me attempt to do yoga. I may be meditating on some astonishing piece of art.

Whatever I’m doing, I wasn’t “supposed” to be doing it.

There were all sorts of reasons I shouldn’t go to the Burning Man arts festival this year: No time, too much work to do, it’ll be there next year. “Reasons.” Or, you know, Monsters.

But the truth is, every time I’ve gone to the Black Rock Desert, things change for me. I get stirred up, inspired and turned on, and in touch with what really matters to me.

I wasn’t planning on going this year, because I’m in the middle of a launch for my upcoming Successful Non-Monogamy for Couples course. “There is no way you could get away for a week,” my monsters said.

So instead, I’m gone for only 3 or 4 days.

The lessons here?

1. Don’t let your monsters run the show. They always have very reasonable-sounding reasons for why you shouldn’t do the thing you want to do. But they can be negotiated with.

2. You don’t have to do it all for it to be worthwhile. Just because before I’ve always planned for months and gone for the whole week doesn’t mean I have to keep doing it that way.

What do you want that you can make less “all or nothing”?

3. Be okay with not getting what you want. I knew that if I were to go, it would be under very different conditions than I had in the past, and I wasn’t sure how that would work out. I decided I wasn’t going to pay for a ticket with so many sitting around unused this year. I wasn’t going to bring a lot of costumes. There would be no elaborate shade structure, as I was only going to go for 3 days. I was going to contribute whenever and wherever I could, but I’m flying by the seat of my pants about how that will actually show up in practice.

With all this in mind, I put it out there that I wanted to go. Before I did so, I made sure that I was really, genuinely okay with not getting what I wanted. Once I got right with the idea that I could have a good time getting a brunch table with no wait in San Francisco and that I’d be satisfied with a few good hikes and a lot of writing, I had the space to ask and get whatever answer came my way. With no bad options, and only upsides, either way, I was going to win.

4. ASK! I was vulnerable and I cast my net wide. I put it out there for a few thousand people to see, even though it scared me.

And within an hour, someone actually gave me a ticket. That thing that seems totally unreasonable to ask for? Go for it. You may not get it (it happens) but then again, you may!

5. Be flexible and trust that it will work out. There were some logistical complexities that had to be worked out and rides to organize. By the time I realized I wanted to go to Burning Man, I’d already loaned out most of my costumes and gear. As a veteran burner, I knew what I’d need to take care of, and what I could count on from my friends, and I knew that it’s always helpful not to get too attached to any Plan A. But, if you’re reading this post, that means everything worked out okay!

Getting what you really want often requires letting go of HOW it will show up, and being willing to go on a ride.

Where can you let go, be flexible and trust more?

As ever, I have no idea how my Burn will turn out, but I’m betting that I’ll get at least some of what I want. And that makes asking for it that much sweeter.

What would you ask for if you really let yourself?

Burning Man photo courtesy of Michael Holden

 

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We all want stuff in our relationships. Better sex. More sex. To not have to take the trash out. 15 extra minutes in the morning for snuggles. Whatever.

Let’s assume you know what you want.

Why aren’t you asking for it?

If you’re like most people, There Be Monsters.

You know the ones:

• The “Fear of Missing Out” Monster
• The “What If I’m Not Good Enough” Monster
• The “What If They Freak Out” Monster
• The “I Can’t Ask For THAT” Monster
• The “There’s Not Enough Time” Monster
• The “They’re Just Going to Laugh At Me” Monster

and so on…

(That’s what they’re called if they are articulate monsters. More often, they’ll be all like “AAAGGGG!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!! IT WILL ALL BE NO GOOD NO GOOD NO GOOD!!!! DANGER DANGER!!!!!!!! BAD!!! AAAAGGGGGG!!!!!”)

Sound familiar?

The thing is, secretly, your monsters only want the best for you. They don’t respond well at all to being shut down or pushed aside. They want to be HEARD and unless you do, they’ll wreak havoc all over the place.

That’s why you have to learn how to talk to your monsters. Here’s how:

Step One: Introduce Yourself to Your Monster.

See, your Monster just wants to be seen. It’s there to protect you, so you might as well make friends with it. So often we either let the Monster run the show (because it’s Big and Scary and Loud) or we try to shove the Monster in the corner, which just makes it cranky (because Nobody puts Monster in the corner!) Start by being friendly with it.

(Pro tip: It can be helpful to assume that your Monster is very clever and about 4 years old.)

HOW: Take some quiet space where you have freedom to talk, imagine and make noise. (Your car, bedroom or journal might be ideal.) Now, say hi to your Monster. Let it know you hear it. Ask its name. Tell it what you already know about it. Be sure to be friendly to it! (Don’t piss your monster off right away.)

It might sound something like this:

Oh hi there Monster. Good to meet you. I’ve seen you around these parts lately, talking about how bad it would be if we got laughed at/ missed something / weren’t good enough. What’s your name?

WATCH OUT FOR: Your Monster might try to divert your attention from it by saying ”This is all stupid and who believes in Monsters anyway?!” That’s okay. Just acknowledge your Monster’s point of view and ask for its name. Your Monster may be cranky or quiet too. However your Monster shows up is okay. It’s just doing its job.

Step Two: Ask Your Monster What It Wants for You.

This might be kind of tricky. Some monsters might seem like they don’t have anything they want for you, only things they want you NOT to do. A little curiosity goes a long way here.

HOW: Ask the Monster what its job is, what it wants to keep from happening and/orwhat it wants for you.

It might sound something like this:

So [Monster's Name Here], what’s your job around here? I hear that Monsters like you are here to make sure everything’s running okay. What is it you’re in charge of? Do you have a thing that you’re here to keep from happening? Is there something you’re in charge of making sure happens?

WATCH OUT FOR: Garbled attacks that make no sense. If you get that, just be calm and patient. You might have a really freaked out Monster on your hands.

Step Three: Validate Your Monster’s Desires for You.

Monsters LOVE to know they’re doing good job, and they generally can’t relax until they know someone sees what they’re keeping an eye on. It’s time to give your Monster some solid props.

HOW: Acknowledge what your Monster is doing for you and how good they are at it. Point out that it’s been really successful at making sure that whatever bad thing it’s worried about doesn’t happen. Love up your Monster.

It might sound something like this:

Wow, you must be really good at (making sure there’s enough time/ making sure I don’t fail/ making sure I’m loved / keeping me from being embarrassed / keeping me from missing out / etc). Oh, I get that you want to make sure that I’m okay. You’re doing such a good job keeping me safe.

WATCH OUT FOR: Monsters are sensitive to false praise or anything that tries to shut them down. Make sure your acknowledgments are genuine!

Step Four: Negotiate With Your Monster.

The thing is, your Monster doesn’t always know that there may be a better way to do what it does. It just wants to know that it’s successful. But now that you’ve demonstrated to it that you know it can be successful, there might be room for negotiation.

HOW: Look for a win/win for you and your monster. Use “we” when talking to your Monster so it knows you’re in it with them.

It might sound like this:

What if we asked our Partner for more sex / different sex / to not have to take the trash out / (insert desire here) but before we did it, we made sure to ask for Partner not to laugh at us / make sure the calendar was cleared / ask Partner to be gentle with us / (fill in strategy for taking care of Monster here.)?

WATCH OUT FOR: Trying to pull one over on your Monster. Remember, it has a job to do, so if you don’t address its concerns in your proposal, your Monster is just going to flip out again. Your Monster might be wary at first. This is okay — remember it’s still doing its job.

Negotiating with your Monsters might take a few tries before you are able to get it to get with the program. Just remember, monsters don’t like to be forced into anything, especially as they take their jobs very, very seriously. You may have to be ridiculously sensible with it, or explore with them as though they might be right, or be very very gentle with your Monster. Don’t be alarmed if your Monster throws a temper-tantrum (Keep in mind, they’re usually 4 years old. It happens.) Sometimes Monsters just lie down and take a nap only to wake up cranky later. Stay in touch with your Monster and pay attention to its reactions to things. Listen to what it says to you. Eventually you will find what works so that you can ask for more of what you want.

How do you talk to your Monsters?

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“I don’t want to be too needy.”

I hear this all the time. Sometimes it comes up when I suggest a client ask for something mundane, but it’s especially common when I’m helping clients get in touch with what they really want most in love or sex. Before we even talk about what asking might look like, those two words pop out.

“Too needy.”

But what does being “too needy” really about?

Think about it. We’re only needy when our needs aren’t being met. And needs shift constantly, so it’s an ongoing practice to learn to identify them and meet them. Frankly, I think “being needy” gets a bad rap. There’s a world of difference between having needs and doing your best to meet them (maybe with mixed results), and expecting the world to cater to your needs and being resentful that it doesn’t.

In my experience the fastest way to become needy is, ironically, to try to not be needy.

Needs always exist in relation to some desired outcome. Even the so-called basic needs exist to perpetuate survival. If you don’t care about living, breathing is sort of irrelevant, eh? It can be helpful to identify what the desired outcome is that is tied to the need. Maslow’s heirarchy of needs is helpful here — It’s good to know what kind of need you’re trying to meet: physical, safety, love/belonging, esteem and respect, or self-actualization.

We’re all trying to meet a whole bunch of needs all the time. The more you practice meeting your needs, the less “needy” you become. But, to do that, you have to actually admit you have needs. There’s no shortcut around this.

In a couple, if one person is struggling to meet lower level needs (as per Maslow’s hierarchy), and the other is trying to meet mid- or high-level needs, there can be conflict. The good news is that you when you can identify where the struggle is at, it can be easier to understand the conflict and find ways to meet those needs.

I should point out that “higher” isn’t necessarily better, nor is it static… every freakin’ day we have to stop to meet bottom level needs, multiple times. (Think about that next time you’re on the john, or scarfing down a sandwich between meetings.)

Someone who isn’t getting enough sleep, or is worried about their job security, is not going to be self-actualized anytime soon. That’s not a moral failing; it’s simply a function of needs being a heirarchy. You just cannot operate in the higher levels when the foundation isn’t there. So, building the foundation is important! That’s why self-care and taking your time to “be where you’re at” are crucial to not just the health of your relationship, but to your overall well-being.

What’s your relationship to “being needy”? How do you figure out what you’re needing in a given moment? Let me know in the comments below…

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I hear it all the time:

“I don’t know how to set a boundary without hurting her feelings.”
“I just sort of moved away from him. This happened a couple of times. I think he finally got the hint.”
“I like her, but I don’t want to go there with her.”
“I just didn’t know what to say, and now our relationship seems formal and strained.”

Speaking up when someone crosses your line is tough stuff, and it takes a special something to both draw the line clearly, yet not come across as a hard-ass or raving bitch!

I’ve gotten so many questions about this lately, that I thought it was time to write down what I say to everybody. So without further ado…

Marcia’s Handy-Dandy Script for Setting a Boundary
(Yes you can write this down ahead of time!)

Honestly, this is what I do all the time when I need to make my boundaries clear. It’s awkward at first, but with practice, you’ll be not only making your standards known, but actually having people feel good about it!

STEP ONE: What is your “yes” with this person? In other words, outside of this exchange, do you feel drawn to spend time with her? Do you find him interesting? Do you want to spend time together for the holidays?

If there’s a yes there, then explore that with them:

• “I enjoy x with you.”
• “I find y interesting about you.”
• “I’m curious about z.”

STEP TWO: Say what you’re available for (friendship, community building, a short visit, dance class, whatever.)

• “I’d like to spend more time doing A with you.”
• “I’m open to doing B with you.”
• “I’d like more of C with you.”

STEP THREE: Say what isn’t working for you. Stick with facts. Be specific.

• “I noticed you touched my leg a couple of times.”
• “I noticed I feel stressed out by my schedule.”
• “I noticed the box was moved from the shelf”

STEP FOUR: Share what feelings came up from the incident. (Optional, but often helpful)

• “When you did that, I felt scared.”
• “When I heard that, I felt anxious.”
• “When I noticed that, I felt exhausted and didn’t want to deal with my feelings.”

You might also share any stories you have about what the thing you noticed.

• “I made it mean you were interested in me sexually.”
• “I imagined that you didn’t care about me.”
• “I thought you’d be pissed off if I said something.”

Note: Try to avoid shaming or blaming as much as possible by keeping it as matter of fact as you can. It’s possible that it’s a misunderstanding or that there’s a different explanation for the behavior.

Or maybe you just need Santa to play lifeguard at your family gatherings this year?

STEP FIVE: THEN set a boundary (Generally, I get good results if I do the steps before.) A boundary consists of an explicitly drawn line, and/or a gentle redirection to where you want them to go.

My favorite lesson I ever learned from my lifeguard instructor, Miss Johnson, when I was a teenager was, “When you blow the whistle, don’t tell ‘em what you don’t want them to do, tell ‘em what you DO want them to do! Cuz if you tell them, “Don’t run” they’ll skip or hop or do something else that’s dangerous. Tell ‘em to WALK!”

Setting the boundary could look a lot of different ways:

• “I’d like to keep X off limits if we’re going to continue doing A.”
• “I’m not available for Y.”
• “I find it hard to deal with Z, so I prefer that you do B instead.”
• Or just, “Do X.”

When you put all five steps together, it sounds something like this:

“I really am thrilled you want to come visit for the holidays, as I love spending time with you. I noticed I’m feeling really stressed by my schedule right now, and when I heard you wanted to visit, I imagined that you’d feel hurt or angry if I didn’t block out a whole bunch of time for you. I’d like to have a visit, but let’s keep it to only Thursday afternoon, instead of a whole day.”

or

“I’m really enjoying getting to know you. The way you listen has me feel really seen and appreciated. I noticed you were touching my leg a few times the last time we were together. I felt uncomfortable with this. I’d like to keep physical affection off the table if we’re going to continue spending time together.”

Ninja Stuff

Try to avoid saying “but” or “however” in your boundary-setting. These words negate whatever you’ve just said before, and can leave the other person feeling like they’ve gotten caught up on a bait-and-switch, or can leave you feeling a little wishy-washy.

What’s your biggest boundary struggle? 

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There’s two full hours of boundary talk, plus a whole bunch of other groovy stuff that will help you get super-grounded in what you most want in your relationships.

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In my last post, I talked about power couples and fictional couples as relationship role models. But not all role models need to exist “out there” nor do they need to be couples. Here are some other places to look for examples of the relationship you want.

As you consider who your relationship role models are, keep in mind that it’s not about the lifestyle, but about the quality of the connection and relating people have. How do they treat each other? How do they resolve conflict? How do they manage setbacks? You can never truly know what’s going on inside someone else’s relationship, but by collecting examples of how relationships can be, you expand your sense of what’s possible for yourself, in your partnerships, friendships and family relationships.

The Folks You Know

Mom and Dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, other relatives. Our most powerful messages about what relationships ought to be like come from our earliest experiences. What did you learn from these people growing up? What messages did you receive about how love is supposed to be? About how men and women are supposed to behave?

When you look at your family with an anthropologist’s eye, what do you see? What ideas do you agree with? What ideas do you reject? Of the ideas you reject, what do you want to replace them with?

Friends: What kinds of relationships do your friends have? Are yours similar? Often, we surround ourselves with people who are like us, because they “get” us. But if you find your friends have relationships that are full of drama, roller-coastery, or otherwise not what you want, you may want to reconsider who you look to for relationship advice and support.

Same-sex couples: Study after study suggests that because there are no pre-set roles for each partner in a same-sex relationship, these relationships can be more equal and balanced. Now obviously just being gay doesn’t make a relationship role-model worthy, but those guys down the street who’ve made it work for 10 years? Might want to see what they’re doing right.

Older people: Consider looking to the older people in your community as examples of what relationships can be. After all, folks who manage to stick together for a long time might have some ways of doing things that you might want to incorporate into your own relationships.

(One of my clients took this last idea to heart, and interviewed four couples she knew from her family, adventure club and spiritual community. Each couple had been together for 30 years or more. She also interviewed three older women who either were single or had only been in a relationship for 3 years or less. By the end of her interviews, her ideas of what made for an awesome relationship had totally been turned on its head.)

The Not-A-Couple

Not all relationship role models are couples. Sometimes there are folks who “do” relationship in surprising ways, or who don’t want to be part of a one-on-on coupled partnership. Consider these folks:

• Rock bands (How have the Rolling Stones or U2 stayed together so long? What makes creative partnership last?)
• Confirmed bachelors (There’s an entertaining list of bachelors on Wikipedia – but not all were single.)
• Menage-a-trois (There’s an article today in the New York Times about Tilda Swinton, who is, perhaps, the most famous current example, but there are plenty of others.)
• Blended families that get along (“Guess who’s coming to dinner now?” is one such story.)
• Chosen family (Communities of tight-knit friends who function much as a family unit, celebrating holidays together, helping each other through life challenges, and being there through the mundane daily life stuff. Common in GLBT circles. Here’s a story of one woman’s chosen family.)

Think carefully about who you model. Are these relationships what you really want? Do these role models serve you? If your “perfect couple” splits, how would it affect the way you think about your own relationships? Where do you find your relationship role models?

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Like this series? This is just a small taste of what we talk about in “The Nuts and Bolts: Everything You Never Learned About Having the Most Awesome Relationship Ever”. The virtual course is available beginning Dec 13th. Sign up now to get my best stuff on role models, boundaries, getting your needs met, communication, feeling profoundly loved, and much, much more.

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Photo credits by San Diego Shooter and JDN via flickr.

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There’s been so much talk around here lately about open relationships and polyamory that it feels like November must be non-monogamy awareness month. (And indeed, my class “Opening Up Without Screwing Up” starts this Thursday – and if you’re AT ALL interested in polyamory, non-monogamy and the like, you should totally sign up for it).

But I’m well aware that open relationships aren’t for everyone, nor do I think they should be.

I’ve never been a big fan of “One True Way-ness” of any kind. I just think that the range of human experience is far too vast for there to be a path that works for all of us, whether that’s about sex, relationships, spirituality, or what football team is the best.

But what I have learned is that a certain kind of flexibility that is often found in successful open relationships, is also found in successful relationships of all kinds.

You could call these “mature” relationships — ones in which both people recognizes that each of you is separate person all on your own, with independent needs, desires, requirements, wishes and visions for your own lives. All while still being able to come together and forge a path together that’s in alignment with what you both want most.

Merging these differences can be tricky. Some folks bend over backward to accommodate their partners, allowing them space to do and be who they are, but not claiming the same space for themselves. Others demand autonomy and freedom, without recognizing the commonality of vision, desires and needs where it exists (and thus limiting connection, intimacy and partnership). And still others crowd their partners, not seeing that one person’s desire being different than the other’s is not necessarily a commentary on the validity of your needs, or on your sexiness and desirability. (And vice versa. After all, we’re all sexy around here.)

In other words, wanting different things is a natural part of relationships. Navigating that is the relating part of relationships.

It would be a lot simpler if there was just a book or a recording out there that you could follow 1, 2, 3 and have it all just magically work out. But you are unlike anyone else out there. And so is your relationship: no matter what labels might apply to it.

It does take time. It does take “processing.” It does require that you look into yourself to see what has changed, and to be willing to allow your partner to change as well. It requires curiosity, honesty, and communication. But on the other side, you have a relationship that is like no other… because it’s yours. 

What challenges have you run into when you and your partner want different things? How have you addressed these challenges?

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