Help! How Do I Say Something?!

December 16, 2011

I hear it all the time:

“I don’t know how to set a boundary without hurting her feelings.”
“I just sort of moved away from him. This happened a couple of times. I think he finally got the hint.”
“I like her, but I don’t want to go there with her.”
“I just didn’t know what to say, and now our relationship seems formal and strained.”

Speaking up when someone crosses your line is tough stuff, and it takes a special something to both draw the line clearly, yet not come across as a hard-ass or raving bitch!

I’ve gotten so many questions about this lately, that I thought it was time to write down what I say to everybody. So without further ado…

Marcia’s Handy-Dandy Script for Setting a Boundary
(Yes you can write this down ahead of time!)

Honestly, this is what I do all the time when I need to make my boundaries clear. It’s awkward at first, but with practice, you’ll be not only making your standards known, but actually having people feel good about it!

STEP ONE: What is your “yes” with this person? In other words, outside of this exchange, do you feel drawn to spend time with her? Do you find him interesting? Do you want to spend time together for the holidays?

If there’s a yes there, then explore that with them:

  • “I enjoy x with you.”
  • “I find y interesting about you.”
  • “I’m curious about z.”

STEP TWO: Say what you’re available for (friendship, community building, a short visit, dance class, whatever.)

  • “I’d like to spend more time doing A with you.”
  • “I’m open to doing B with you.”
  • “I’d like more of C with you.”

STEP THREE: Say what isn’t working for you. Stick with facts. Be specific.

  • “I noticed you touched my leg a couple of times.”
  • “I noticed I feel stressed out by my schedule.”
  • “I noticed the box was moved from the shelf”

STEP FOUR: Share what feelings came up from the incident. (Optional, but often helpful)

  • “When you did that, I felt scared.”
  • “When I heard that, I felt anxious.”
  • “When I noticed that, I felt exhausted and didn’t want to deal with my feelings.”

You might also share any stories you have about what the thing you noticed.

  • “I made it mean you were interested in me sexually.”
  • “I imagined that you didn’t care about me.”
  • “I thought you’d be pissed off if I said something.”

Note: Try to avoid shaming or blaming as much as possible by keeping it as matter of fact as you can. It’s possible that it’s a misunderstanding or that there’s a different explanation for the behavior.

Or maybe you just need Santa to play lifeguard at your family gatherings this year?

STEP FIVE: THEN set a boundary (Generally, I get good results if I do the steps before.) A boundary consists of an explicitly drawn line, and/or a gentle redirection to where you want them to go.

My favorite lesson I ever learned from my lifeguard instructor, Miss Johnson, when I was a teenager was, “When you blow the whistle, don’t tell ‘em what you don’t want them to do, tell ‘em what you DO want them to do! Cuz if you tell them, “Don’t run” they’ll skip or hop or do something else that’s dangerous. Tell ‘em to WALK!”

Setting the boundary could look a lot of different ways:

  • “I’d like to keep X off limits if we’re going to continue doing A.”
  • “I’m not available for Y.”
  • “I find it hard to deal with Z, so I prefer that you do B instead.”
  • Or just, “Do X.”

When you put all five steps together, it sounds something like this:

“I really am thrilled you want to come visit for the holidays, as I love spending time with you. I noticed I’m feeling really stressed by my schedule right now, and when I heard you wanted to visit, I imagined that you’d feel hurt or angry if I didn’t block out a whole bunch of time for you. I’d like to have a visit, but let’s keep it to only Thursday afternoon, instead of a whole day.”

or

“I’m really enjoying getting to know you. The way you listen has me feel really seen and appreciated. I noticed you were touching my leg a few times the last time we were together. I felt uncomfortable with this. I’d like to keep physical affection off the table if we’re going to continue spending time together.”

Ninja Stuff

Try to avoid saying “but” or “however” in your boundary-setting. These words negate whatever you’ve just said before, and can leave the other person feeling like they’ve gotten caught up on a bait-and-switch, or can leave you feeling a little wishy-washy.

What’s your biggest boundary struggle? 


Want more awesome boundary goodness? Sign up for “The Nuts and Bolts: Everything You Never Learned About Having the Most Awesome Relationship Ever”

There’s two full hours of boundary talk, plus a whole bunch of other groovy stuff that will help you get super-grounded in what you most want in your relationships.

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Who Are Your Relationship Role Models? Part 2

December 2, 2011

The world is so big! Thank goodness we have role models!

In my last post, I talked about power couples and fictional couples as relationship role models. But not all role models need to exist “out there” nor do they need to be couples. Here are some other places to look for examples of the relationship you want.

As you consider who your relationship role models are, keep in mind that it’s not about the lifestyle, but about the quality of the connection and relating people have. How do they treat each other? How do they resolve conflict? How do they manage setbacks? You can never truly know what’s going on inside someone else’s relationship, but by collecting examples of how relationships can be, you expand your sense of what’s possible for yourself, in your partnerships, friendships and family relationships.

The Folks You Know

Mom and Dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, other relatives. Our most powerful messages about what relationships ought to be like come from our earliest experiences. What did you learn from these people growing up? What messages did you receive about how love is supposed to be? About how men and women are supposed to behave?

When you look at your family with an anthropologist’s eye, what do you see? What ideas do you agree with? What ideas do you reject? Of the ideas you reject, what do you want to replace them with?

Friends: What kinds of relationships do your friends have? Are yours similar? Often, we surround ourselves with people who are like us, because they “get” us. But if you find your friends have relationships that are full of drama, roller-coastery, or otherwise not what you want, you may want to reconsider who you look to for relationship advice and support.

Same-sex couples: Study after study suggests that because there are no pre-set roles for each partner in a same-sex relationship, these relationships can be more equal and balanced. Now obviously just being gay doesn’t make a relationship role-model worthy, but those guys down the street who’ve made it work for 10 years? Might want to see what they’re doing right.

Older people: Consider looking to the older people in your community as examples of what relationships can be. After all, folks who manage to stick together for a long time might have some ways of doing things that you might want to incorporate into your own relationships.

(One of my clients took this last idea to heart, and interviewed four couples she knew from her family, adventure club and spiritual community. Each couple had been together for 30 years or more. She also interviewed three older women who either were single or had only been in a relationship for 3 years or less. By the end of her interviews, her ideas of what made for an awesome relationship had totally been turned on its head.)

The Not-A-Couple

How do Bono and the Edge make it work?


Not all relationship role models are couples. Sometimes there are folks who “do” relationship in surprising ways, or who don’t want to be part of a one-on-on coupled partnership. Consider these folks:

  • Rock bands (How have the Rolling Stones or U2 stayed together so long? What makes creative partnership last?)
  • Confirmed bachelors (There’s an entertaining list of bachelors on Wikipedia – but not all were single.)
  • Menage-a-trois (There’s an article today in the New York Times about Tilda Swinton, who is, perhaps, the most famous current example, but there are plenty of others.)
  • Blended families that get along (“Guess who’s coming to dinner now?” is one such story.)
  • Chosen family (Communities of tight-knit friends who function much as a family unit, celebrating holidays together, helping each other through life challenges, and being there through the mundane daily life stuff. Common in GLBT circles. Here’s a story of one woman’s chosen family.)

Think carefully about who you model. Are these relationships what you really want? Do these role models serve you? If your “perfect couple” splits, how would it affect the way you think about your own relationships? Where do you find your relationship role models?

—

Like this series? This is just a small taste of what we talk about in “The Nuts and Bolts: Everything You Never Learned About Having the Most Awesome Relationship Ever”. The virtual course is available beginning Dec 13th. Sign up now to get my best stuff on role models, boundaries, getting your needs met, communication, feeling profoundly loved, and much, much more.

Register here!

 

Photo credits by San Diego Shooter and JDN via flickr.

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Who Are Your Relationship Role Models?

November 15, 2011

"Will you still need me? Will you still feed me? When I'm 64?"

When you think of your ideal relationship, pretty often, it’s about finding a relationship role model. Some of us were lucky enough to have parents or relatives who embody what we want from our partners and friends. Other times, we’re left with a strong sense of what we don’t want, and very little idea of what we do.

Either way, this is where having relationship role models comes in. Choose your relationship role models carefully. Make sure they actually have the relationship you want, not just a lifestyle.

Personally, I like to look for role models who treat each other with respect, seem to actually like each other, and who can work with what life throws at them. Learning how to do that, from people who have to do it with each other day in and day out, can help lay the foundation for happy, long-lasting, fulfilling relationships.

This week and next, I’m going to take a look at different kinds of relationship role models, and what we can learn from them. Starting with…

The Power Couple:

Barack and Michelle, Bill and Hilary, Posh and Becks, Beyonce and Jay-Z, Ellen and Portia: The list of power couples is endless.

Often found in politics and entertainment (because that’s where the power is) both members of these supercouples are often wealthy and/or famous. Some of these relationships last for years, if not decades. Others seem to materialize as quickly as they disappear. (Kim Kardashian and whatshisname, anyone?)

The challenge about emulating power couples is that the demands of power and celebrity in themselves create stresses in relationships that can be challenging to navigate. Despite the attention these couples get in the news and the tabloids, we often don’t know very much about how the insides of their relationships work. The trappings of a fancy wedding or the hotness of the people involved often has little bearing on whether the actual relationship itself is something you might want to emulate.

Given this, it’s maybe not surprising that, the folks who live in celebrity-money land who tend to have long-lasting relationships often also keep those relationships low-profile.

Every time they're on TV, they seem to be flirting with each other.

Some examples: Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman are still cracking each other up for almost 30 years. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have been happily unmarried together since 1983. David Bowie and Iman have been together since 1990 (even though she didn’t want to date a rock star). Barack and Michelle seem to still like each other despite the pressures of his presidency. And feminist and gay-rights activists Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon got legally married in 2008 after being together for 56 years (Del Martin died two and a half months after their wedding.)

That these people are in a relationship with one another is no secret, but rarely do they publicize what’s going on within the dynamic. And splashing how in love you are all over the tabloids or Twitter doesn’t generally bode well for a relationship. As a result, the best celebrity role models might be the ones you don’t think of first.

The Fictional Couples:

There are the on-again, off-again couples like Rachel and Ross from “Friends” and there’s the doomed tragic lovers of Buffy and Angel or Romeo and Juliet. Then there’s the doofus husband/hot wife pairing of countless sitcoms, or the never-ending drama-rama of Rhett and Scarlett. And I’m not sure what to make of Harold and Maude.

If you insist on dating a vampire anyway, my vote is for Spike.

Most storytelling relies on conflict, so stories that are centered on the romantic relationship between two people are likely to be, well, dramatic. How many times have you watched a movie and thought, “If they’d just tell the truth, this would all be so much simpler?” Yet lies, mistrust, sneaking around and inauthenticity rule the day with fictional couples, because it makes for a better story. This does not, however, make for a better relationship, necessarily. (Although if we’ve learned anything from pop culture, it should be that getting involved with a vampire is not a recipe for a happy domestic life.)

When looking for role models in fiction, consider paying particular attention to those that are on the sidelines. The stable friends who give the advice in the RomComs, the parents who get along and present a united front to the kids, the quirky couple who seem like they shouldn’t work, but somehow do. Often these characters demonstrate the skills that make relationships work in real life, while the main characters flail around, creating enough drama for there to be a story.

Who are your relationship role models? And who is your favorite vampire? 

Part Two: The folks you know and the “not-a-couple”

 

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There’s No One True Way

November 8, 2011

There’s been so much talk around here lately about open relationships and polyamory that it feels like November must be non-monogamy awareness month. (And indeed, my class “Opening Up Without Screwing Up” starts this Thursday – and if you’re AT ALL interested in polyamory, non-monogamy and the like, you should totally sign up for it).

But I’m well aware that open relationships aren’t for everyone, nor do I think they should be.

I thought you were talking about FOOTBALL, not soccer...

I’ve never been a big fan of “One True Way-ness” of any kind. I just think that the range of human experience is far too vast for there to be a path that works for all of us, whether that’s about sex, relationships, spirituality, or what football team is the best.

But what I have learned is that a certain kind of flexibility that is often found in successful open relationships, is also found in successful relationships of all kinds.

You could call these “mature” relationships — ones in which both people recognizes that each of you is separate person all on your own, with independent needs, desires, requirements, wishes and visions for your own lives. All while still being able to come together and forge a path together that’s in alignment with what you both want most.

Merging these differences can be tricky. Some folks bend over backward to accommodate their partners, allowing them space to do and be who they are, but not claiming the same space for themselves. Others demand autonomy and freedom, without recognizing the commonality of vision, desires and needs where it exists (and thus limiting connection, intimacy and partnership). And still others crowd their partners, not seeing that one person’s desire being different than the other’s is not necessarily a commentary on the validity of your needs, or on your sexiness and desirability. (And vice versa. After all, we’re all sexy around here.)

In other words, wanting different things is a natural part of relationships. Navigating that is the relating part of relationships.

It would be a lot simpler if there was just a book or a recording out there that you could follow 1, 2, 3 and have it all just magically work out. But you are unlike anyone else out there. And so is your relationship: no matter what labels might apply to it.

It does take time. It does take “processing.” It does require that you look into yourself to see what has changed, and to be willing to allow your partner to change as well. It requires curiosity, honesty, and communication. But on the other side, you have a relationship that is like no other… because it’s yours. 

What challenges have you run into when you and your partner want different things? How have you addressed these challenges?

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Questions to Ask of the People Who Make the Rules

October 27, 2011

It’s not about breaking the rules. It’s about knowing what the rules are all about, so you can know whether to break them. Chris Guillebeau has some excellent Questions to Ask of the People Who Make the Rules.

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The Four Monogamies (Which Ones Matter To You?)

October 24, 2011

What is monogamy? Judging from the length of the Wikipedia entry, that’s not a simple question to answer. Yet monogamy is a fundamentally assumed aspect of relationships in our culture, a starting point that is embraced (with varying degrees of intentionality and success) or rejected (in much the same way.)

Knowing what you mean when you say “monogamy” matters for both consciously chosen monogamous relationships as well as anyone interested in any kind of non-monogamy. After all, how can you choose either if you’ve never really broken it down for yourself?

From working with so many adults with so many different ways of doing relationships, I’ve come to believe that we’re not just talking about one thing when we refer to monogamy.

What Are the Four Monogamies?

1.Sexual Monogamy - “I will have sex with you and only you.” This is what most people think of when they hear the word monogamy. Who’s gettin’ it on with who? Where is everyone sleeping at night?  The thought of sexual non-monogamy might conjure images of threesomes, illicit affairs, homoerotic encounters, group sex, free-for-alls or STDs. Depending on your perspective,  might be titillating, terrifying or a typical Tuesday night.

We can have as many people in bed with us as we want, as long as their feet are clean.


But the real question to ask about sexual monogamy is what do you mean by sex? After all, what is considered appropriate sexual monogamy in a repressive religious regime like Saudi Arabia is very different than in a sexually open subculture in a society where men and women have equal rights. Do you kiss your friends hello and good bye? Can you be affectionate friends with your ex? Is it okay to cuddle or flirt with folks other than your partner? Can you see a practitioner for sexual healing? What about getting a massage or engaging in tantra or BDSM? (And if you aren’t sexually monogamous, are there still certain sexual activities that you wish to reserve with a partner?)

Where is the line for you? Don’t assume it’s obvious. It’s not. 

2. Emotional – “I will love you and only you.” This is a common enough sentiment. But what does it mean in practice? Do you have a best friend? What about kids? Are you part of an emotionally intimate community? In an era where you might spend more time with the people you work with than at home with your partner, what does emotional monogamy mean?

She's in love with him and he loves her back but also has the hots for that other girl, who tells all him all her darkest secrets, when they are stuck at the office late without booze.

Instead of thinking of emotional monogamy as having an on/off switch, I prefer to think of it as intimacy made up of walls and windows. Every relationship needs certain things that are private, and other things that are shared with the people around you. When you have a challenging issue at work, when you’re upset with one of your kids, when you are struggling to figure out what to do with your life, who do you tell? Why? How? Who gets to know your innermost secrets? If there’s an issue in your relationship, is it okay to share with your best friend? What about your “work husband” or “work wife”? Sharing your relationship troubles with your crush is rarely a recipe for success in any case, but keeping everything behind the walls of your relationship also can lead to problems. Figuring out where you want to put the walls and windows in your relationship is an ongoing process, with “remodeling” happening from time to time.

Where are your walls and windows?

Sex in private? Totally okay. Holding hands in public? Awkward!

3. Social Monogamy – “Even if we’re not actually monogamous in other ways, I want people to think we are.” Social monogamy is possibly the most powerful monogamy there is. Many, many individuals and couples have come to me over the years wanting to explore some aspect of non-monogamy, but are very worried about the consequences of being “found out.” And indeed, those consequences can seem daunting. We all want to feel like we belong, and being rejected is no fun at all. Feeling “normal” matters to many of us, and if the social norm is monogamy (or perceived monogamy), stepping outside of that norm can feel terrifying. Was Hilary Clinton upset at Bill for cheating on her? Or was she upset because he was found out? The latter is the power of social monogamy at work.

Indeed, for some, the power of social monogamy can seem so strong that it’s hard for even monogamous people to talk about wanting it. The expectation of monogamy is almost always invisible, and when folks talk about it, it’s in the context of not being monogamous. So if you’re a monogamous person who wants to talk about conscious monogamy or having desires outside your relationship (even if you won’t act on them) it can seem like no one wants to hear it. Yet there’s value in pushing back against the forces that shame people for giving the appearance of anything but monogamy. You don’t have to fight every battle (or any battle for that matter), but occasionally questioning why someone who’s not monogamous is somehow bad or wrong benefits everyone who wants the power to create their relationships authentically.

Who do you expect to be monogamous?

4. Activity Monogamy – “That’s OUR thing.” A very polyamorous person once described activity monogamy to me as a way to tokenize their relationship. That is, in a relationship where the things that commonly denote specialness (sex, emotional monogamy, public presentation as an exclusive couple, etc) weren’t being used in those ways, what was the thing that made their relationship special? In his case, it was going to see foreign films together, but activity monogamy could refer to anything from raising kids together to sharing a home to traveling to a particular location together.

You will wear snowshoes with no one but me!

An interesting aspect of activity monogamy is that it is one place where people who tend toward monogamy in many other ways might find themselves not monogamous. Or you might have an “us and only us” aspect in a relationship that is not romantic. If you’ve ever had a Thing that you’ve done only with one other person and they’ve only done it with you, then you’ve been monogamous in this regard with them. And if you’ve ever had your feelings hurt when a friend or loved one did something that you thought was special just for you and them, then you know what it’s like to have an expectation of monogamy violated.

What activities make your relationships special?

 

Regardless of your own personal choices in relationship style, understanding how monogamy works can lead to clearer conversations about what you really want, deeper connection and richer relationships. What kinds of monogamy matter most to you?

Curious about non-monogamy but terrified of what might actually happen if you pursue it? My four-part virtual class “Opening Up Without Screwing Up” is designed to answer your questions and calm your fears BEFORE you actually do anything. Class starts Nov 10th. Sign up today! 

 

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Where Are Your People Hiding?

October 17, 2011

With the advent of the internet and the current recession pinching everyone, rates of formal community involvement are dropping all over the country. At the same time, people seem to be rediscovering the importance of having a community to rely on. Last week I encouraged you to stop doing it alone, and I’ve talked before about how to build community.

But where do you find the people who make up your community? Building a community takes time. You don’t want to wait until you need a posse to fall back on to get your right people together.

So, here are 13 places you can find the “right people” for your community:

  1. Join a recreational sports team - Any sport will do, but make sure there’s a social component to the team. Just swimming laps with folks does not a community make.
  2. Find a spiritual home – This could be a church or a coven, a meditation group or a collective devoted to making art. Anything that uplifts you, with folks who are uplifted in a similar way.
  3. Get involved in a hobby group – Book clubs, sewing circles, drumming, skydiving, sailing or dance classes. Surely there’s something you’ve been wanting to explore.
  4. Start a resource-sharing club - Form a babysitting co-op to lighten the load of your fellow parents, or a food sharing club, where once a week, someone makes a large batch of food for the whole group and drops it off.

    5. If you're lucky, you'll get leftovers too.

  5. Host a regular pot-luck – All you have to do is provide the cups, utensils and napkins. Tell your friends to invite their friends. Once a month or once a quarter will connect all sorts of people, and you’ll be in the middle of it all.
  6. Deeply celebrate birthdays – Make a point to honor folks on their milestones. Drink a bottle of wine together, share what you love about the birthday boy/girl, make sure they feel seen and loved.
  7. Become a regular - It doesn’t matter where: church, the neighborhood bar, your local sex club. Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name.
  8. Dabble - Try lots of different things and when you meet awesome people while doing things, stay in touch.
  9. Take a class - When people are learning, they’re open to all kinds of new stuff. Welding, papermaking, nautical navigation – it doesn’t matter. Just go to class, and talk to your classmates at break time.
  10. Change up your routine -  Eat with different co-workers, commute at a different time, spend a few more minutes with the babysitter before you leave. This gives you a chance to practice connecting in the little moments, and that makes all the difference.
  11. Be friendly – You never know who you’re going to meet on a given day.
  12. Participate in a neighborhood project - A friend of mine recently started a Facebook group for the folks in her building. When I was a kid, my next door neighbor hosted an annual neighborhood oyster roast. The folks down my street have an annual neighborhood yard sale. Connecting with your neighbors is a great way to get support.
  13. Join a service group - Whether it’s an old school lodge with 200 years of history, or a Twitter-based action squad, doing community service in the context of a group of regulars is a great way to build relationships with folks who like to give back.

Pole dancing as community activity? Sure, why not?

The idea here is two-fold: One, you want to do something you’ve been wanting to do anyway (get in shape, give back, develop hobbies). Two, you are looking for the people you really click with. As you find these people, nurture these relationships, and connect these people to the other people in your life.

If you’re not a joiner, start something. If you’re not organized, find someone who is. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about getting started.

Like these tips? Want more community? Check out Authentic Community Leadership. Learn what I’ve learned from Cuddle Party, Freedomcommunity, Mission Control, the Olympics and other interesting, off-beat and fresh communities I’ve been in over the years, plus find out some of the coolest community-building secrets from the folks at Integral Life and AuthenticWorld. Class starts Oct 28th. 

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Stop Doing It Alone!

October 10, 2011

Community: It's not about standing in a circle singing kumbaya. Unless it is.

I get the questions all the time:

  • How do I find a partner who’s into what really matters to me?
  • How do I get out of this box I’ve found myself in?
  • Where are MY PEOPLE?!

The secret is in aligning yourself with folks who want the same things as you. I’m not talking about partners. I”m talking about people. Friends, acquaintances, even taxi drivers.

Do you want deep, committed partnership? Hang out with people who have that.

Do you want fun, playful connections with smart, sexy people? Make a POINT to be playful with people (whether or not they’ve got that sass.)

Do you want a world that’s more sex-positive, with less shame and judgement? Start BEING that (with everyone.)

Do you want all of these? Find the folks who are DOING IT!

Yeah, yeah, you say. But how do I find them?!

The thing is, getting the quality of relationships (or jobs, or adventure, or whatever) that you want requires hanging out with folks who want the same things. And so many people want those things, but no one ever gives them permission to say it out loud, or to act on it. They sit, hoping (just like you) that someone will come along and say “me too!” Or at the very least, give them a space to say what matters to them, really.

You can be that someone.

And you can find out what you have in common, on a deeper level, in the process.

Try this: Next time you’re in a conversation with someone –anyone really — ask them: What value of yours would you like to see more of in the world?

You might be surprised at the answers you hear.
You might be surprised at how many people want what you want.
You might be surprised at how deeply you can then connect with someone, and the kind of support you will find from them.
Even if they’re not your soul mate.
Even if you don’t have much else in common.

This person is part of a community with you, about something that really matters to you both.

This is important, and worth paying attention to. And it means you’re not alone. 

So let’s get this party started:
What value of yours would you like to see more of in the world?
What will you do today to create a connection with someone based on that value?

Let me know in the comments!

(Did this post grab your attention? If so, you might be interested in the upcoming course I’ll be co-teaching: Authentic Community Leadership. Learn what I’ve learned from Cuddle Party, Freedomcommunity, Mission Control, the Olympics and other interesting, off-beat and fresh communities I’ve been in over the years, plus find out some of the coolest community-building secrets from the folks at Integral Life and AuthenticWorld. Save $200 when you register by Oct 15th.)

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Undoing Sexual Shame

July 26, 2011

Wondering if your sexual “thing” is not okay? You’re not alone. We live in a culture saturated in sexual shame. From calling women who like sex “sluts” to denigrating men as “only after one thing,” the message is loud and clear: If you like, want, are curious about or enjoy sex, something must be wrong with you.

It’s like this dirty, horrible thing that you must save for the person you love the most. (What is that about?)

I recently made a video for the sex education site Kink Academy explaining what sexual shame is, and how to undo it in yourself. They’ve released it for free and you can watch it here (don’t let the fluffy thing in my hair distract you! :) )

FREE VIDEO: “Undoing Sexual Shame” at Kink Academy

PS – I’m not sure how long they’ll be leaving this up for free, so check it out sooner than later.

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Listen Up! One Simple Way to Get Someone To Open Up

July 6, 2011

Are you all ears?

Ever wonder why it’s easy to open up to some people, and not to others?

Ever wonder why you have a hard time getting your partner to open up to you?

In both cases, I’d bet it has a lot to do with how the listening is.

Even though words may not be exchanged, most of us can sense how we’re being listened to, and the quality of that listening significantly affects what we’re likely to say.

Think about it. When someone listens to you with impatience, how do you feel?

What about if they listen with indifference? Or if they’re listening expecting a particular answer?

Now, what if someone listens to you with compassion? How does that feel? What about if they’re listening with curiosity? Or generosity?

If you’re like most people, the listening you receive determines how open you are. Similarly, the listening you give determines what you’re likely to hear.

So the next time you are engaged in a difficult conversation, or you find yourself really wanting your partner to open up, take a moment and check yourself: How are you listening to them?

Notice what’s there. Maybe you are feeling a little impatient. Maybe you do want them to tell you what you want to hear.

That’s okay. Now take a deep breath, and consider, how do you want to be listening?

By setting a clear intention (and maybe even sharing it with your partner), you have the potential to radically shift the quality of a conversation. Deciding that you want to listen with an open heart, or without judgment can go a long way toward your partner feeling safe. Even if you’re not 100% consistent in listening that way, a clear intention gives you something to return to when things go off track.

And if there’s a quality of listening you want to receive, demonstrate it by giving it to your sweetie. That can certainly sweeten things up. As a mentor of mine likes to say, “Give what you want to get.”

What’s your favorite way of listening or being listened to?

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